The Future, and It Doesn't Look So Bright

Alright everyone. Yes, I've been getting a little depressing and a bit suicidal lately on this here blog, but I live with my parents, I have to get my negative & dark thoughts out some way and that way is on this blog. Also, if it gets too dark there are plenty, and I mean plenty, of happy and silly blogs out there, so sorry if I'm depressing everyone who stops by during their day for a little pick me up.

Today's post will not be any different. Sadly, it's a little sad...haha. Last night I was lying in bed thinking about why I'm single but not always ready to mingle. I also thought about all the annoying kids I see around my neighborhood around 3:30pm right when they are getting out of school. And I eventually moved my thoughts onto marriage. I've always been the one who wanted to get married, have kids and stay at home and raise them while cooking dinners for the whole family each night. But after seeing all these kids screaming and running into me, I look at their mother's, or more likely their nanny's, irritated and exhausted faces, I can't help thinking that I don't want that. I don't want to have to give it all away to a child, and it's not just giving it all away, but giving it all away for years and years. At least two decades and probably much more time. It's tiring just thinking about it. I love kids, but at least at this point in my life, the thought of having kids is too much. Not that I'd have them now, God no, but I can't help thinking if I'll ever make it there. I don't know. Maybe I won't and maybe that's not such a bad thing. My parents will def freak out and never forgive me for not giving them grandchildren, but that might be worth it to keeping my life selfish, just like it is now. I like being selfish. Selfish with my time, my energy, my everything. I can't do that with kids, at least if I want to be a half way decent parent. And if I'm going to be a parents, it's all or nothing. No half way, bullshit stuff. I will be a parent and be an awesome parent or I will forget about it all! Nothing in the middle will work for me, but hey, that's me.

As for marriage. OMG there's another life long commitment that I'm just not ready to make. I mean, does anyone really have the authority to make an oath that includes this sentence: "for better of for worse...til death do us part". I'm sorry but shit can get real "worse" real quickly and I might wanna get the hell outta there. I mean shit, how do I know what I want and who I want to be with when I'm 86?! I don't know who I want to be with next week and I'm not in any place to make another life long decision like that.

Besides being emotionally immature and such, those were my musings last night before going to bed. Good thing I won't be having any sweet dreams tonight.....